When I was a kid, my science fiction-loving dad decided we were going to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey. I did not understand this long, complex, boring movie. I certainly did not appreciate it like he did. As a result, I thereafter refused to experience some of his favorite other movies, TV shows, and music. Only in retrospect do I really how heartbreaking this probably was for him.
Now that I’m a parent, I have made it my mission to get my kids to like what I like without alienating them from my interests, and for the most part, it has worked out, but it’s definitely a tricky business. So I talked to Jessica Beachkofsky, a psychiatrist and parent coach, who helped break down the steps to properly incept your kids with your own hobbies and interests.
Start them young
This is perhaps the most critical step in the process. You have to hit the sweet spot: They’re old enough to understand or participate in whatever content or activity your promoting, but not so old that they find the idea of spending time with you embarrassing. Flexibility is key hereL “Find ways to scale the activity so that they can still find it fun and interesting even if it means that you don’t get to do it the way you normally would,” Beachkofsky advises. Be careful to judge both the material and your child’s maturity level to ensure they have the greatest chance of accepting it willingly.
Start by exposing them to small doses. If you’re showing them a favorite movie, for example, “You may have to leave at intermission or half-time if your kids would normally be napping or going to bed,” Beachkofsky says. My own daughter currently loves Stephen Sondheim, an adoration I orchestrated by taking her to Into the Woods, Jr., a short version of the acclaimed musical that ends happily. At this point, she’s not only able to sit through the three hour touring production (so good), but is begging to see Sweeney Todd.
Beachkofsky advises to think about all aspects of the day you plan to get them involved in whatever your thing is—the long walk from the car, the loud crowds, how long you’ll be spending from start to finish—and prep them beforehand so they know what to expect, which will lessen chances they’ll become bored or overwhelmed. Another strategy she recommends: Start with some chill at-home activities related your passion, such as playing dress up or pretend, to orient them beforehand, especially if you plan to take them out somewhere. These small steps are “good for brain-building no matter what the ultimate activity is,” Beachkofsky adds.
Create buy-in
Include your child in all aspects of the activity so they understand it and feel like a true participant. “Build more buy-in by getting [them] involved in the preparation, and they gain a deeper understanding of all the aspects of doing an activity,” Beachkofsky says. The behind the scenes facts will make them feel like an insider.
Then, work together to plan and execute the activity. Pick a date, buy tickets or supplies together, even coordinate your outfits. This process not only gets them more invested, it, “exposes them to skills that will help them overall in life too: planning, organizing, and other important executive brain functions,” Beachkofsky says.
Model joy
When your child sees you happy, it makes them happy. Seeing you light up when your favorite song comes on the radio or hearing you cheer for your favorite team will inspire them to find joy in the same subjects. Modeling enjoying yourself may inspire them to participate and get the same effect.
Thant means you have to make time for your own interests, even if that means time spent away from your kids. Being with your kids in their world all the time will not show your child that it’s okay to have individual passions. You taking time to experience your favorite things will set them up to find their own joy, whether it’s with what you like or what they gravitate to on their own.
When they show interest in your special thing, hit them with specific positive reinforcement. Tell them how brave they were for playing goalie, or praise their singing of your favorite song. Let them see how happy you are that they are enjoying your passion.
Make the time together special
Make it a special occasion to do the activity, whatever it is, together. If appropriate, let your kid stay up late for the special experience, or make a date of it with just the two of you, minus siblings.
Make the activity about them and their interest, not you. Then it won’t feel like they’re doing you a favor by participating. Coach their Little League team and use watching your favorite professional team’s games on TV as an opportunity to study form. My Sondheim kid has the same birthday as the late composer, so my initial hook was to call him her “birthday twin.” Then we talked about which part she’d play in Into the Woods. Later, I took her to the show for her birthday, leaving her brother behind. It made my daughter feel special to be included in a grown-up activity we’d planned for her.
Reciprocate interest in their hobbies
Getting them excited about what you like means you have to show reciprocal interest in their hobbies (even if it’s Roblox). As Beachkofsky says, “They may humor you [by exploring what you want them to], but it goes both ways. Role-model being interested and excited about doing something new to you that your kid is interested in.” Have them play the expert and explain it to you. You may actually learn something new, or even gain a genuine interest in it. Active participation in their passions will make them feel like you’re sharing yours for their benefit, not your own.
Beachkofsky adds that engaging with your kids’ interests helps them build the skills of communication, planning, and empathy, even as it strengthens your bond. “That buy-in [will be] gold the next time you feel like dragging them out on the fishing boat,” she says. They’ll remember how patient you were with their explanation of all the Pokémon evolutions, and will feel better about joining you on your adventure.
“What if they still don’t like what you like?
It may be the case that despite all your hard work to get your child to like what you do, they still don’t. This may be because of personality differences—not all kids are natural fashionistas or born Trekkies. It may be that you did what my dad did and didn’t take into account the age-appropriateness of the material. It could be that you missed the sweet spot, and now your child finds everything you do cringe, especially when you say “cringe.”
Beachkofsky advises, “If they’re not enjoying it, try to find out why. Don’t force them to keep at it for too long because a meltdown won’t be far behind.” If you feel like it was close but didn’t go as you liked, she adds, “It’s also important to talk about what didn’t go as expected or how the experience could be improved next time.” Then, when everyone’s ready, try again.