I know you’ve been waiting for a long time, but now that President Biden has taken a big step toward federally decriminalizing marijuana, it might finally be time for you to try smoking weed. There’s really not much to it—seriously, any idiot can do it—but there’s still a few mistakes you should avoid so you don’t have a bad time or look like a square from Delaware.
If it’s your first time getting high or you’ve been out of the game for a while, take it easy. Tolerance is real, and you probably don’t have much, so don’t try to match your stoner friend Gary’s lungs.
Despite how casually many stoners take the drug, weed can be extremely intense. Remember: You can always smoke more, but you can never have smoked less. This applies especially to edibles. They take a long time to start working and the high lasts longer, so start small—maybe 5mg—and don’t think “this isn’t working, I’ll eat more” after 45 minutes. Give it time.
Weed makes some people paranoid and can set off panic attacks. If you start feeling fear or a sense of impending doom, remember it’s just a drug. You’re safe. You’re freaking out, but only because you’re high, and it won’t last more than a couple hours. Do not think “the weed must have been laced!” The weed wasn’t laced. Do not call police because you are too high. They will not be able to help and will probably laugh at you.
Paying attention to set and setting is an old rule 60s that acidheads used to avoid freaking out on LSD, but it applies to weed smoking too. Set is how you, personally, are doing; setting is your physical surrounding. You want both to be positive, especially if you’re a weed noob. Make sure you’re in a generally good mood and comfortable place. Camping in the Sierra-Nevada Mountains is a good setting for smoking pot for most people; in the pouring rain in downtown Newark is not.
Most important to both set and setting is smoking weed with people you know and trust. In fact, try to do everything with people you know and trust—it’s the whole point of life.
Smoking marijuana can cause dry mouth, itchy eyes, hunger, and over-fascination with trivial things. Be ready for all of these secondary effects. Have water on hand, as well as eyedrops, snacks, and a good pal around who likes talking about Star Wars.
When I’m high, all I can handle is making stupid jokes and appreciating bossa nova music. Other than that, I’m useless. I can’t order a pizza, follow the plot of a movie, or navigate public transportation. Some people are the opposite and can smoke at work or their child’s baptism and be perfectly functional. Until you know which kind of person you are, only make the lightest plans for your weed smoking. The itinerary should be something like 1) smoke pot, 2) play Boggle. It should probably not be 1) smoke pot, 2) meet with wedding planner.
Old heads will take a deep hit and hold it in as long as possible. This is probably pointless; most of the chemicals that get you high are absorbed instantly upon hitting your lungs. Any extra high you get from holding in smoke likely comes from lightheadedness. So take it in your lungs and let it out easy like Sunday morning.
But you do need to actually inhale or it won’t work very well. For some people who have never smoked anything before, inhaling can be difficult. If so, try this: When you draw smoke into your mouth, think “Oh my god, my kids just walked in!” The sharp “huh” intake of breath that would come with a small scare is how you should inhale.
If you smoke week for the first time and find that you really enjoy it, good for you. It can be fun, and there are over 42 million Americans who are just like you. But don’t make weed your whole identity. Don’t be one of those people who gets high while listening to music about getting high and talking about the fine differences between strains of marijuana and whether hydroponic growth effects weed strength. Maybe I shouldn’t judge, but those people are unbearably boring and you want to avoid becoming them.